OH, you say, then how come like, everything, isn’t getting done over at your house?

Well that’s usually because when I’m paralyzed by all the things screaming to be done so I collapse into some sort of procrastinating, time-wasting activity. And of course everything gets worse. You better believe I’m berating myself for not doing all the things that are crowding into my brain, and yet, it’s not my natural inclination to leap up and accomplish something at that point. Of course doing something, ANYthing, for any length of time is better than doing NOthing, even I can see that, but this is where perfectionism comes in. I can’t do anything unless it’ll be perfect, remember?

Enter overwhelming hopelessness and feelings of utter despair. It will never be perfect; I will never be done; why should I bother to try? Exit contented, abundant living full of grace and peace. Except wait, did I ever have that to begin with? Not really, no.

_____

My counselor and I recently explored this whole idea of getting my mind and body to relax and rest. Because I don’t, and this is bad for anxiety.

She wanted to know what I do for fun.
I told her I read and write.
She wanted to know what I do for fun that doesn’t engage my mind.
I stared blankly.
She asked what I liked to do for fun when I was a kid.
I told her I liked to read and write.
She stared blankly. (OK, not really, she probably just rolled her eyes and sighed.)
Then I remembered that I really loved to climb trees! And swing! And play or listen to music! Oh and we had a trampoline, too! I felt proud to be able to have so many helpful answers.

Then she wondered if I had ever considered setting a time each night past which I was NOT to be “productive.” Past that time, I was only to relax and “play.”

I replied that no I had not ever considered that – why on earth would I?!? Waste all that valuable time that I currently spent… wasting?!? Preposterous!

_____

In case it hasn’t already been evident, I have a horrible track record of self-care. I don’t really do things JUST for me. I’ve never learned how and it seems like such a pointless endeavor to my poor, misguided brain. Doing things for me… bah… who has time for that… there’s so much else to do that is far more important… I never heard of such nonsense… that is until I was more depressed than I’d ever been in my entire life, sitting in a psychiatrist’s office. She told me two things that day.

1. Take the dang medication.

2. Do one nice thing just for yourself every day.

I supposed I would have to do the first thing, but was the second thing really necessary? Really? Didn’t she know I had a 4 month old and a 2 year old that my parents were currently caring for?!?! Do something for myself, indeed. Hah. I didn’t even know what qualified, that’s how clueless I was as to how to give myself what I needed.

So it’s a little over a year later, and I think I’m ready to start doing nice things for myself on a regular basis.

(Why is no one applauding and cheering? I sensed a collective sigh and eye-roll. I’m SLOW, ok? Sheesh.)

For the past few nights, I’ve stopped all work at 9 pm. The eventual goal is that I’ll be in bed at 10 pm, but so far it’s been closer to 11 pm.

I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the change I’ve seen in myself. Now that I know I’ll have relatively guilt-free playtime, I’m motivated to make the time before playtime as productive as possible. It’s a race to see if I can get everything done before 9, because right at 9, everything stops and I’m not allowed to work.

It’s nice. It feels good. There’s a lot less guilt than I thought there would be. Plus, the house is looking much better, too. Jobs that are done imperfectly or even slightly sloppily are still better than jobs that weren’t done at all because there wasn’t enough time to do it perfectly.



Tonight after dinner I asked Superman if I could have an hour alone. Since he's Superman of course he said yes and I'm holing up in our bedroom feeling... I dunno... glum.

I'm still adjusting to living in moderation with my emotions. I watch myself constantly, sometimes more closely than necessary, trying to determine if I'm depressed or merely having a bad day. I'm not sure I quite know how to tell the difference. I guess if I have 17 bad days in a row, that might be a clue that it's depression, since apparently "normal" folk don't ever consider having 17 bad days in a row. I don't really want to try and figure out what my bad day record is...

---

Perhaps focusing on the positive would be more helpful.

I've been married for 1,866 days! Woo hoo!

My parents have been married for 10,574 days. WOW.

I've been alive for 10,242 days. Hooray me!

---

Anyhow, what was I saying... oh yeah, so I have difficulty simultaneously acknowledging the good and the bad in any aspect of my life. I'm kinda extreme. It's either all way good or all so horrifically bad I can't possibly imagine why I ever thought anything was ever good. Need I tell you that I'm more often in the "bad" place? Or that I'm there now? =)

Except, each time I am in either extreme, I try to remind myself that life is both, all the time, even when I'm not feeling it. Good and bad together, simultaneously. Apparently my body can only accept one at a time and this is a difficult thing to unlearn.

---

I saw a nutritionist today to talk about weight gain. I'm underweight and have spent most of my life being underweight. I come by it honestly, genetically, even, but I am striving to have a healthy BMI just as much as I assume overweight people strive for healthy BMIs (not that health should be judged by BMIs alone, but, you know.)

She was checking back through my medical history and said - ah ha! Here it says you had a BMI of 22! I then pointed out that I had probably just given birth and that I gained 40 pounds with each of my pregnancies. Gaining weight! Wheeeeee! Postpartum depression! Boooooo!

After I assured her I was NOT anorexic (just anxious and depressed, thank you!) she and I talked about all sorts of ways to consume more calories more of the time. In the end we decided that it would be easiest for me to mix a high-calorie smoothie in the morning and drink it all throughout the day, because it's just me that needs the extra calories, not my family. Also, nuts and seeds are my new best friends and did you know there's such a thing as avocado smoothies? I didn't. I think I'd much prefer to just eat the avocado.

And, like anything, I need to change the way I think about food if I expect any long term changes in my food-related actions. Thoughts drive actions. Sheer will-power can override thoughts and make different actions for a while, but eventually the thoughts rule again. I currently see food as a kind of nuisance that interrupts what I'd really rather be doing. And I'd rather be doing almost anything else than prepare food or eat. I eat because it's necessary. Rather ironically, I've been blessed with a high metabolism, so I'm fairly certain that even just getting the required number of calories I need is a struggle, much less 500 MORE per day.

Meh.



Ladies and... ladies! I cannot believe I've gone most of my menstruating life without even once hearing about something called a menstrual cup. When I'm done explaining what it is, you might decide it's not for you but at least you will have heard about it and hopefully will spread the word to those who may be interested. Of course I'm hoping you'll decide it's worth a shot and enjoy happier periods than you ever thought possible.

What is it?
It's a silicone or latex cup that collects menstrual flow.

Why would I want to use it?
Let me count the ways!
One: when inserted properly you cannot even feel it's there. At all. I'm not kidding. I've forgotten I'm on my period.
Two: reusable! You won't have to buy as many pads or tampons - save money and save the environment! Menstrual cups can be used for many years!
Three: no unpleasant smells. I don't think I need to go into that one.
Four: it's so comfortable.
Five: did I mention that I've (temporarily) forgotten I'm on my period while using it? Forget about all those ridiculous tampon/pad/pantyliner commercials. THIS is truly a happy and comfortable period.
Six: you'll probably have to empty it much less often than you would have to change a pad or tampon.
Seven: you can't feel it at all. Jumping jacks, summersaults, horseback riding, exercise, whatever. It feels like nothing is there, not even your period.
Eight: you don't have to take it out to use the bathroom.
Nine: many women think that switching to a menstrual cup has resulted in less menstrual blood. 
Ten: have I mentioned how great it feels? No gross pad or tampon to worry about.
Eleven: it's much less likely to leak or result in stained clothing.

When would I use it?
Every day (and night) of your period. Heavy days, light days, medium days. I choose not to use it at night because, well, because. Many users say they only need to change it every TWELEVE hours. I wholeheartedly wish that was true for me, but it's not. Sadly, it appears I'm neither average nor typical. On my heaviest days I empty it every 2 to 3 hours and can go half to the whole day on my medium to light days. Again, once you know your body's patterns it's a piece of cake.

How exactly does it work?
The menstrual cup is held in place by the vaginal walls. It is not a cervical cap (like a diaphragm.) Wash your hands before inserting it. Once it's in, you just take it out however often you need to, dump the blood into the toilet, wipe or wash the cup out and reinsert. Most of the time you'll need to do it so infrequently you can usually manage to do it at home, but I've used public restrooms without too much difficulty. At the end of your cycle you boil it to sterilize it and then put it back in the cute little cloth storage bag until next month. There is definitely a learning curve to inserting it correctly and discovering how often you need to empty it but once that's taken care of you're SET. Yes, this means you get blood on your fingers and having to learn about your body a little, but for me the benefits FAAAAAR out-weigh the minor inconveniences. Really, it's no more inconvenient than having to remember to bring and then dispose of feminine hygiene products.

Where do I get me one of these?
I thought you'd never ask! I have a DivaCup, and have been using it for about six months.
There's also a Moon Cup.
And a Keeper.
And a Miacup.
And a Lunette.

Softcups are single-use menstrual cups designed more similarly to a diaphragm, so not all my reasons to use apply here, but it's kind of in the same category.

Also, it should be noted that I would certainly recommend some sort of liner to wear in conjunction with the cup because spotting is typical when the cup is full. Also, in the (very!) rare event that the cup changes position and leaks, a back-up of some sort is nice, particularly as you adjust to using the cup. For this I highly recommend Amy's Rag Bag.

And that's it! Who among you currently uses a menstrual cup? What has your experience been?

If you have further questions I am more than happy to answer whatever I can. Email me: beck[at]superbeck[dot]com!