You know what's really hard for me? Availability. Especially emotional availability.
It's a struggle for me to remain in the present moment and be available to others in it.
I'm unsettled by my inability to settle. My mind is always ahead, off to the next thing, the next event or conversation (or maybe still on the last one.) Sometimes the next thing is only playing a game on my phone or sometimes my mind is just plain not there. Is it self-centered of me? Self-focused? A sign I haven't cared for my introverted self completely enough? Is it merely a habit? Something I'm accustomed to? Copying what I've experienced and am familiar with?
I'm uneasy if I perceive myself to be TOO present. I fear not being in control and the vulnerability that comes with letting whatever comes in the moment, come. I've got other moments to plan for and other situations to prepare to control. The "other shoe" will drop, dontcha know, and any time I spend enjoying the moment will be foolish, when I could be bracing/planning/protecting myself for the impending doom of that dang shoe.
You know how Elaine lives? In the moment. Her days are full and complete and wondrous. She is there, really THERE, for everything. I'm enthralled by it and a little envious.
But it's safer for her, I tell myself, she's not an adult yet. She doesn't have all this stuff to stay on top of and prioritize and keep track of. Oh to be a child...
...right? Because grown-ups can't be free and delighted by the good moments and sorrowful during the sad, right? Grown-ups have to be steeled and protected with their guards up, right? A child-like adult doesn't seem like something to be desired, right?
I guess it makes sense, a little bit, but certainly not all the time.
I'm so uncomfortable with so many of my feelings. Present moments can be so scary with the feelings. I sometimes get the sense that certain feelings are hiding throughout my day, waiting to accost and overwhelm me... and that I won't have any control.
So I watch Elaine and I learn. It's a gift to me.