Tuesday, July 16, 2013

AAA

I have spent the past thirty minutes wrestling with a knitting pattern. I'm attempting to learn two new stitches AND add a second color (not in the original pattern.) What I have envisioned is exactly what I want and so I fight with the yarn, pattern and needles to see if it's even possible to achieve exactly what I want. All this under Tesla's close supervision, of course.

I think I've finally figured it out but I'll have to try it tomorrow. I'm currently too tense and cross-eyed to continue. 

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People in recovery often talk about the the three A's. Awareness, acceptance and action. It's impossible to change something if I'm unaware, so I've come to see awareness as a gift. I become aware (slowly or suddenly) of something about myself that I'd like to do differently. Maybe a habitual thought or maybe a familiar reaction. Whatever it is, I'm aware of it now and want to try something else.

So I jump to action. Because that's what I want to do - change it. Change it now. Take charge, come up with all the answers myself and stay in control.

I have completely ignored the acceptance piece of it.

Without paying close attention to the acceptance step I tend to remain in judgement of myself and whatever it is I'd like to try and change. I find myself refusing to admit the full reality of whatever my awareness has just shown me. I jump to action as quickly as possible because I'd like to stay in control and change right away! I prefer to minimize and deny and look for some little quick-fix rule. I jump to action in order to stay slightly in denial. I'm insecure and don't want to risk full awareness because of what it might mean about myself. Maybe I really am all-bad and there is no hope? Let's not stop to find out! Onward!

This doesn't end well. I can't change myself and when I try it often works for a little while and ends with increasing amounts of harsh self-criticism.

Acceptance is a hard thing for me to give myself. Acceptance all the time, wherever I am in the process. It's an easy thing for God to give myself.

I think I've equated "acceptance" to "apathy." If I accept something then that means there's nothing at all I can do and I'm miserable and hopeless and just have to deal with the way things are forever and ever.

But that's not true. Acceptance just means seeing reality and agreeing with it.

Full, deep acceptance is good news because then I can move on to actions that will be far more helpful than the actions that came without acceptance.

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“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


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