Friday, August 17, 2012

I shall not want.

Hurriedly written yesterday during Wonder Pets and Pinky Dinky Doo. Not quite how I want it yet, but that fits with the topic. =)

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"But when will I get what I want?" Elaine asked during a loud, tearful post-nap meltdown. I gently reiterated the available snacks. All of them displeased her. The wails resumed. She wanted a snack, and only the snack SHE wanted.

Boy can I relate. I feel as though I've been asking God that question every day, lately: "but when will I get what I want?"

Today, for example. Today has been a horrible day. Nothing has gone how I wanted (little things, bigger things, biggest things) and many of the things I feel aren't too much to ask. I feel like giving up. I feel like stopping everything altogether because what's the point? Nothing's going how I want. It seems like nothing I do or say matters. I try and try and try... and it still feels as though I'm sliding backwards - losing ground. When do I get what I want?! Shouldn't I, at least SOME of the time?

 Elaine continued her lamentations. I sighed. Waking her up from a nap I didn't want her to take was also something I hadn't wanted to do. I opened my arms to her and she willingly settled on my lap, still explaining how much she wished and hoped and wanted to have the forbidden snacks and demonstrating her sorrow at not being able to have them. Just the thought would bring a whole set of fresh tears. Oh the tears and frustration and energy spent when things don't go how we want.

I rubbed her back and pondered the similarities between her current attitude toward me and mine toward God.

She had some options, like I do. She can change her wants, trust, be satisfied with what's available to her, or she can continue to be miserable. 

I thought about God, my loving Father, knowing my needs better than I do.

I thought about what I want and what I think I need and how strongly my feelings are wrapped up in that.

Elaine was falling back asleep on my lap. She needed the sleep and (against my wishes!) she needed it now. My presence had calmed her enough to get what she really needed. She needed sleep more than the snack she wanted.

I have an app on my phone that displays the verse of the day. Today's verse is Psalm 84:10, "Better a day in Your courts than a thousand anywhere else. I would rather be at the door of the house of my God than to live in the tents of wicked people."

It reminds me of the last verse of Psalm 73, "But as for me how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do."

Also Psalm 131, "I don't concern myself with matters too great or awesome for me. But I have stilled and quieted myself, just as a small child is quiet with its mother."

Whether or not my day goes how I want (I did not want the girls to take naps!) or even if I get what I think I need or not (I "needed" a quiet evening, with kids asleep early!) something I always have and always need is God's presence and because of Emmanuel I can always have it.

So tonight, instead of relaxing and listening to podcasts while knitting... I'll be walking to see the ducks at dusk with two happy, rested girls. It's what I want.

4 comments:

  1. Awesome perspective here. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Wow, very well written beck, and also just what I needed.

    TAB

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  3. Thank you. This was encouraging.

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  4. I'm smiling ear to ear right now!

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