Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oxygen

Elaine is going through this adorable phase in which she narrates her actions in the third person. It goes something like this:

"The sweetie loves her Mommy!" Elaine flings her arms wide and hugs me. She then walks to Superman and announces, "the sweetie loves her Daddy!" and hugs him, too.

Later on I heard things like, "...and then she ATTACKED the dragon [Elaine makes vicious stabbing motions] and it was dead and HOORAY and they were safe and went to the castle and went to bed."

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I observed a teddy bear getting an x-ray (presumably) in our play area, earlier. The bench to our  keyboard was turned upside-down and the bear rested on the underside of the seat. Val balanced a magna-doodle on the bench stand, positioned over the bear, and drew what the x-ray camera "saw." It looked like a teddy bear. I watched to see if the poor bear had anything unusual going on with its bone structure or if there was anything depicted in its stomach or intestines but the x-ray technicians were distracted by a suddenly urgent need to administer shots and band-aids to the long-suffering bear.

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Speaking of the keyboard that isn't really ours but belongs to my parents... I wish I played it more often. If I had time and money I'd begin taking lessons again. I miss making music. (I also miss having a grand piano just down the hall from my bedroom, which is a large motivator in one's desire to make music. The piano, not the bedroom.) I need regular doses of music, which is something I've forgotten far too frequently.

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For a whopping TWO days in a row, I have walked TWO miles. Celebrate! I think the absolutely gorgeous weather had something to do with it, as well as an increasing awareness of my need to take care of myself. I hear that taking care of one's self can really be effective in combating depression and anxiety. Novel concept!

I've really been stuck on this whole idea that someone ELSE is SUPPOSED to take care of me and I have a long list of just how that is supposed to happen. If Superman would only ________. All Superman has to do is ________ and everything will be great! I wish Superman would just _______. Seriously, how hard would it be for Superman to _______?! Here's the formula: If this, that, or the other person would do this, this and this, THEN I can be okay, but until they do... I can't be okay, and therefore will remain miserable.

I vacillate (there's that word again!) between that and another highly erroneous idea that I am completely fine and I'll manage ALL on my OWN, and I do NOT need ANY help, thank you very much... because to risk asking for the help that I desperately need and then not get it? Might just be more than I could bear. So instead I "protect" myself and try to appear as though I'm doing just fine and suffer immensely all by myself instead. Denial's a pretty powerful force.

This 12-step group I keep harping about has slowly begun to open my eyes to a whole new concept. I can take care of myself. I can take care of myself?!? I can take care of myself! Lots of times taking care of myself means asking for help, and this is a learned skill (both the asking and the knowing what to ask for.) I can also ask God (the higher power of my understanding!) for help, and you know what? He answers me. He particularly seems to delight in answering me in ways I hadn't even planned for him to answer, which is precisely His point, I think. I'm part of HIS plan, not the other way around. In fact, taking care of myself (to the best of my ability and resources, which DO include other, willing people, at times) really is the best thing for everyone because until I'm taken care of how on earth can I consistently and effectively meet the needs of the people who rely and depend on me? Loving your neighbor as yourself is God's second greatest command... and this is pretty difficult to do if you don't love yourself at all and actually kind of hate yourself at times. My needs are just as valid and important as the needs of anyone else. Strange but true!

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps the bear was feeling sick because he ate another bear.

    ~Rob-bo

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