I took some time tonight to read over my blog entries from a little over seven years ago. I wrote differently back then.
I'd love to write more these days but I fear over-sharing. A lot of things I'm working through right now are intensely personal. While I certainly don't mind talking about intensely personal things with the right people, I wouldn't want to confuse and/or upset other people by sharing stuff here.
Also, I somewhat resent being/becoming a "mommy blog" because I was blogging LONG before I became a mother and there is much more to me than what I do with my kids every day (though much of the time it's hard for me to remember that.)
But, such is life. This is the stage of life I'm in right now. I have an almost five-year-old and a three-year-old.
I'm planning to stay up until midnight tonight, at which time I will log onto the city's website and register Elaine for preschool this fall. I am told that space goes quickly and I really would like to get her into the T/Th morning class.
(I'm listening to Mumford & Sons right now.)
My sister and I have set up a temporary arrangement (until she is more regularly employed) where she comes over once a week and babysits while I do whatever the heck I please for a few hours. It just so happened that today I felt like mopping the floors. I even scrubbed the baseboards.
There's this saying in recovery circles that goes like this: progress, not perfection. My problem is that I want my progress to be perfect, which, by definition is doing it WRONG. Or at least as perfect as I know how to control it to be. Also not helpful. But part of my (slower than I want) progress, all the same. Perfectionism really is a vicious mental habit to shake. Even in trying to "cure" myself of perfectionism I will often attempt spectacular failure so that I can NOT be perfect... um... perfectly?
Going to group each week helps. It helps to hear other people's struggles and triumphs in their words. I look forward to connecting with people who have a common goal - healthy and loving relationships. There's really so, so much work to do within ME in order to have the healthiest and most loving relationships possible. A startling amount of work. A daunting amount of work. It's enough to make me want to turn right back around and resume explaining to everyone ELSE why THEY are the problem and if only THEY would do this or see that or understand x, y and z... but I've tried (and tried and tried and tried) that and it only makes everyone more miserable.
Wanna hear a great quote from one of the Bible studies I'm in? Awesome!
"What is it about not being overly impressed by a sense of one's self-importance that makes one wise? If I were really courageous enough to admit that I am not as significant as I think I am, then I wouldn't always need to have the last word...
I delude myself into thinking that harshness and severity are worth it if another person is fortunate enough to gain my superior perspective1.
- Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick
And now I'm too tired to type any longer.
1My note in the margin went exactly like this: "HA HA HA HA HA!!! (ouch.)"