Sunday, February 12, 2012

Bad days come... and go, if I'm lucky.

Grace wrote:

"An unfortunate difference between a PPD survivor and a "normal" mom?
A bad day is never just a bad day.
It is the threat of a crash, a storm, a descent into darkness, bringing with it flashbacks vivid enough to make you tremble.
I'm so sick of constantly looking over my shoulder."

That's where I am, lately. Bad days make me jumpy and nervous. They set me on edge, desperately hoping and praying it's not the beginning again of the hell that ended a year or two ago. Especially when I have two bad days in a row. But then I have a good day. Or the bad day becomes an okay day and if I'm especially fortunate, even a good day. I remember that people have bad days, sometimes, and that's all it is. Bad days are okay. Bad weeks and months are not.

It's hard to know how to take care of myself during a bad day. Due to the months of horrible days and the medication that brought me out of it, I am not opposed to medication again, if that's what I need. But how to tell? What's the determining factor?

I've lost weight that I really can't afford to lose, and that's not good.

So much of the 12-step work I'm doing is bringing up areas of myself that are so weak and vulnerable and terrifying to me. I'm facing and experiencing emotions that I haven't wanted to at all but I must in order to heal... and all the while caring for two preschoolers and a husband. And how to care for myself in all this? It's difficult. Caring for myself feels wrong. I'm finishing up my fourth step (did resentments, now (quite appropriately) doing fears) and I feel as though this roller coaster is about to tip over the top and I will be able to coast through the remaining steps and start feeling some of that freedom and peace that comes from working the steps.

But back to the meds debate (and I've debated both sides of the matter and still end up stuck!) I vacillate (ha!) between two extremes. Lately I've started out the day being sure that I need to go on a daily medication, but by the time noon rolls around, I'm feeling much more stable and balanced and able to handle whatever comes. This has repeated for the last few days. What's the best route to take for medication? I have no idea! In the meantime I do have Klonopin, which I've used very sparingly because heaven knows if there's a genetic component to addiction - I have it.

So that's what's going on with me, lately.

No comments:

Post a Comment