Some excerpts... most are funnier in context. My favorite part was probably when he and several classmates tried to explain what Easter means while speaking French in a French language class.
"In an effort to impress his latest parole office, Richie was trying to improve his vocabulary. 'I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again,' he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. 'It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.'"
"In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment."
"I hate computers for any number of reasons, but I despise them most for what they've done to my friend the typewriter. In a democratic country you'd think there would be room for both of them, but computers won't rest until I'm making my ribbons from torn shirts and brewing Wite-Out in my bathtub."
"Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as "real life," a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail."
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris