I've missed going to my CoDA group. As it was, I still had to get up and go out to cough pretty frequently - I sat near a door just for that purpose. Tea helped a little. It was so nice to see all the familiar faces and to check in with everyone. I didn't get to stay very late today - had to get back home so Superman could go on a bike ride. Normally my sponsor and I meet during the hour after group. Since it's a rather large group (today there were 30+ people) every week someone volunteers to be the timer. Each person gets four minutes to talk at a time, in order to give everyone that wants to share time to do so. The guy who volunteered to be the timer today used his phone instead of the old kitchen timer that's available. The ringtone was this gentle harp music... and wasn't loud enough to alert the person who was across the room that her time was up. So he changed the ringtone to this loud, angry-sounding duck which was hilarious. Whoever it was would be going along, talking about what was on their heart or mind and whatnot and then suddenly would be interrupted by this adamant duck (you get an alert when you have one minute left.) It never got old. Everyone smiled and many laughed and one lady quacked back before she wrapped up what she was saying.
I'm working on the fourth step, now. It's pretty enlightening. I thought I was a decently aware person, (aside from the things I've tried to remain in denial about, of course!) but the fourth step has taken the awareness to a whole new level for me. It's been more helpful to me than counseling, in many ways. The greatest part about 12-step work, for me at least, is that it can happen at my own pace. It's about progress, not perfection, and the path is not linear, per se. Some days I gain, some days I don't, but every day I learn as I watch myself make choices, and then discover the pay-off (emotional, mental, physical, relational, spiritual) that corresponds to each choice. Most days, I leave voicemails for my sponsor, which she then listens to and returns voicemails for me. It's such a gift, to have someone there whose main job is to listen and reflect back to me what they've heard and to act as my guide through the steps.
There's been talk in this household of me getting a bicycle. I am looking forward to being able to ride, especially with my husband (will have to drop the kids with either set of grandparents, first!) I'll probably get some sort of hybrid road bike. I have to say, though, that the thought of clipping my shoes into the pedals makes me kind of leery. But I've never done it before, so we'll see how it goes. I certainly understand the benefits, but the thought of falling before I can un-clip scares me! Maybe more so because I have really good balance, so am not used to falling, and if/when I do, I'm used to being in control.
There's a sentence. "I'm used to being in control." You know why I like to be in control? Fear. Just one of the many helpful things the fourth step has taught me so far. =)
GTOTD: The air/sky/atmosphere was remarkably clear today. Everything was sharply vibrant. Lovely, lovely day. Wish I spent more of it outside.