Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Raw

The function of music is to release us from the tyranny of conscious thought.
Sir Thomas Beecham English conductor (1879 - 1961)
I'm listening to Chopin Nocturnes right now. Much of my conscious thought today has been pretty tyrannical. Anxious again. I'm so tired of being anxious. Even in the middle of it, I recognize it for what it is, but am unable to make it stop. So I try all the things that have worked for me in the past. Hardly anything ever works immediately. With each attempted technique I become more and more pessimistic, falling victim to that nagging, persistent voice "itwon'tworkitwon'tworkitwon'twork" and then I frantically jump around before any technique has been given a fair chance. And even in the middle of THAT, I recognize my own self-sabotage.

Anxiety can't be forced away. It has to be replaced, I think. We have the ability to set the focus of our minds. Controlling that, intentionally, takes a lot of practice. I'm learning the practice. Slowly.

I took something called Lentra, twice, so I could be present enough to care for my girls. I don't like meds, even more naturally-based ones. Since the summer of 2009, though, I've been much more aware of my mental patterns and moods and am not above using medication when I've determined the benefits to out-weigh the possible detriments.

So now, finally, I'm soaking in music and organizing my thoughts to write - two things that feed my soul. The house won't suffer too terribly if it's neglected a little tonight. I however, will.

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