Wednesday, September 14, 2011

So.

Hi, can we talk about me for a second? Great, thanks. Actually it'll probably be the whole post.

Guess what? My anxiety has returned, slowly and steadily, it's back in full force. Every morning for 2-3 hours it's so bad I feel like puking and in fact I'm surprised I haven't yet.

I've emailed my doctor to see what her thoughts are regarding medication this time around. I am tremendously grateful for the medication I was on almost two years ago. It was enormously helpful in getting my brain out of some VERY practiced ruts long enough for me to actually focus on what I needed to do to grow and change and, oh, I don't know, take care of myself. Also, I learned to be aware of my triggers and how to re-route my brain from going down those familiar destructive paths long before it got to be something serious.

I'm afraid my brain is a slow learner.

Also, I would so much rather feel depressed. I hate the powerfully overwhelming nature of anxious thoughts. Depression used to be my default mental instability.

So I'm learning, back on this track, again. There's more to learn and apparently I'm here to do that. I'd appreciate your thoughts and/or prayers for me, particularly in the mornings. An article I read suggested to "cut back on morning stressors" and to that I say "sure! I'd love to!" but alas, I have a work-weary husband getting home at 6 am, and two children who are alternately bouncy and loud or cranky and hungry. Also, everyone needs breakfast, even me, but I usually can't eat until at least 9 or 10 am when it's highly inconvenient and we're already into our day or even off on errands. (I bring food with me for this purpose, Mother!) I do try and do as much as I can the night before (at night I'm usually feeling perfectly calm and joyful and peaceful); I even write large notes/reminders to myself on scrap printer paper with a sharpie to tape on my mirror.

The mind is a powerful, powerful thing in both negative/unhelpful and positive/helpful ways. I want my mind to be positive and helpful to me. This is a hard thing to learn quickly.

GTOTD: Talking with Ms. Ingrid at an event at Val's preschool. We first met Ms. Ingrid as Crackers the clown (can she ever do some awesome balloon animals/shapes) at a party at my husband's work, where she recommended the preschool and told me she worked as an aide there.

Bonus GTOTD: BSF!

Thought: Good habits don't become habits if you only do them when you feel like it. For some reason bad habits are better at this.

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