Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The good, the bad, and the food.

Let's see what I can write in 30 minutes.


Tonight after dinner I asked Superman if I could have an hour alone. Since he's Superman of course he said yes and I'm holing up in our bedroom feeling... I dunno... glum.


I'm still adjusting to living in moderation with my emotions. I watch myself constantly, sometimes more closely than necessary, trying to determine if I'm depressed or merely having a bad day. I'm not sure I quite know how to tell the difference. I guess if I have 17 bad days in a row, that might be a clue that it's depression, since apparently "normal" folk don't ever consider having 17 bad days in a row. I don't really want to try and figure out what my bad day record is...


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Perhaps focusing on the positive would be more helpful.


I've been married for 1,866 days! Woo hoo!


My parents have been married for 10,574 days. WOW.


I've been alive for 10,242 days. Hooray me!


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Anyhow, what was I saying... oh yeah, so I have difficulty simultaneously acknowledging the good and the bad in any aspect of my life. I'm kinda extreme. It's either all way good or all so horrifically bad I can't possibly imagine why I ever thought anything was ever good. Need I tell you that I'm more often in the "bad" place? Or that I'm there now? =)


Except, each time I am in either extreme, I try to remind myself that life is both, all the time, even when I'm not feeling it. Good and bad together, simultaneously. Apparently my body can only accept one at a time and this is a difficult thing to unlearn.


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I saw a nutritionist today to talk about weight gain. I'm underweight and have spent most of my life being underweight. I come by it honestly, genetically, even, but I am striving to have a healthy BMI just as much as I assume overweight people strive for healthy BMIs (not that health should be judged by BMIs alone, but, you know.)


She was checking back through my medical history and said - ah ha! Here it says you had a BMI of 22! I then pointed out that I had probably just given birth and that I gained 40 pounds with each of my pregnancies. Gaining weight! Wheeeeee! Postpartum depression! Boooooo!


After I assured her I was NOT anorexic (just anxious and depressed, thank you!) she and I talked about all sorts of ways to consume more calories more of the time. In the end we decided that it would be easiest for me to mix a high-calorie smoothie in the morning and drink it all throughout the day, because it's just me that needs the extra calories, not my family. Also, nuts and seeds are my new best friends and did you know there's such a thing as avocado smoothies? I didn't. I think I'd much prefer to just eat the avocado.


And, like anything, I need to change the way I think about food if I expect any long term changes in my food-related actions. Thoughts drive actions. Sheer will-power can override thoughts and make different actions for a while, but eventually the thoughts rule again. I currently see food as a kind of nuisance that interrupts what I'd really rather be doing. And I'd rather be doing almost anything else than prepare food or eat. I eat because it's necessary. Rather ironically, I've been blessed with a high metabolism, so I'm fairly certain that even just getting the required number of calories I need is a struggle, much less 500 MORE per day.


Meh.




4 comments:

  1. Granted, I've lost my apetite recently, but that's probably because I've ate nothing but toast, turkey sandwiches, and hot pockets for longer than I care to admit. I find it confounding that anyone could not enjoy eating.

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  2. bethany actuallyJune 30, 2010 at 9:30 PM

    I had an avocado sandwich today at the Atlanta airport that was out of this world. Maybe start eating avocado sandwiches? :-)Also, this post made me think of a great letter I read the other day that someone (actor Stephen Fry, actually, who is bipolar and knows whereof he speaks) wrote about how depression is kind of like weather. Sometimes the weather is bad, and there's nothing you can do to change it. You know it won't be bad forever, but while it's bad it's okay to say, "Well, the weather's kind of crappy today, that sucks, but it WILL be sunny again someday, even if it feels like it's been raining for the past 17 days." I thought that was a really interesting and useful way to think about moods/depression. Because even "normal" people struggle with bad days and bad weeks sometimes.

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  3. I don't think "normal" folk even consider having 7 bad days in a row, much less 17. What comprises a bad day? I have made an avocado smoothie. I was pleasantly surprised...for the first few sips. Weird aftertaste. BUT, I think if an avocado was part of a group of things tossed in rather than essentially the only ingredient, it might be good.

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  4. I'm slowly coming to understand that good and bad (days/moments/chats/etc) can coexist.

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