Thursday, April 29, 2010

Promise

For the past, uh, I don't know, EVER, I have been wanting to go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 6 am. I'm so used to setting goals (impossible and otherwise) and never reaching them that it doesn't seem to matter any more how achievable any of my goals are. If I reach it, good. If I don't, oh well, it's not like I've never disappointed myself before.


(I've been realizing that I sometimes leave out words when I write. It's odd, because I'll re-read the post and my brain will insert the missing word almost every time. Then weeks later I notice a word is missing. Gah.)


Today, I've felt the tension of legalism inching back into my head. And the anxiety that goes with it, knowing I fall short. Legalism, perfectionism, obsession, whatever. I'm getting better at noticing it now - barely perceptible as it nudges me and tells me I can't ever be good enough, perfect enough. I'll never get "it" right. "It" can be anything from clean kitchen counters to how I drive to relationships to dressing children to... anything. But I keep trying for it, working for it, ignoring more important things because something in me wants that drug of accomplishment and achievement and someone saying that I am the best. I want the praise and recognition. Just work harder! Just try harder! Just change this or that and you can do it! But I can't because it's impossible. I wish I realized that more often.


It's so disgusting to me, that a part of me is this concerned about collecting praises and accolades from others, but it's true.


It's really, really hard for me to let go of the idea that I am right. (Please send condolences to Superman.) I spend a lot of mental energy figuring out how to be right (surprising, isn't it, considering how WRONG I am a lot of the time???) I want to be right. I want to be the best. I know intellectually that way more often than not I am NEITHER and yet my brain still shoves my body around, trying to get there, trying to be perfect, trying to achieve all I set my mind to and to do it in a quarter of the time it would take any normal human to accomplish the tasks.


I spend a lot of time feeling disapointed in how many ways I fail to measure up to the impossible standards I've set for myself. I spend a lot of time thinking about the negative and how to improve it (i.e. BE PERFECT) instead of enjoying the positive and realizing that life is not perfect and I do fail, no matter how hard I try not to.


So today I've tried to step back and look at big picture priorities. Then I tried to live with those priorities in mind. I hope that as time goes on and I can adapt a more reasonable collection of expectations for myself.


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Val saw her first real rainbow today. Bright colors against grey clouds. We were driving but I pulled over and took her out of the car and made sure she really saw it. She was enthralled.


 

2 comments:

  1. Beck, succinctly put. I deal with my own version of that...

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  2. I could cut-and-paste this onto my blog, you know--with names changed, of course:).I saw a rainbow the same day--what a glorious promise!! Rainbows still bring out a child-like sense of awe and wonder in me.

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