The problem with writing about personal struggles on a public blog is just that. I could write about depression in my hand-written journal. Or my public blog. Or both, and maybe that's the best answer. I don't want to become "that" person though, the person that just dumps raw emotions onto a page and then skips away (maybe) feeling better... leaving her shell-shocked family and friends to try and make sense of what just happened. Because they do have to interact with me in real life, you know.
On the other hand, I want to be somewhat honest/transparent/sincere on an appropriate level. Remember? I purposely am writing about this particular struggle because I'm sure it will help me and I hope it will help others. So what's an appropriate level of transparency? I have no idea. And I know it's up to me to decide; you people are just along for the ride. (And if you don't like it, I hope you'll give me feedback and/or simply exit the ride. Thank you, have a nice day, please come again when I'm more cheerful.)
I want to be careful to protect my relationship with Superman. Clearly whatever effects me also effects him and this can cause some - alright fine, I'm being transparent - LOTS of tension at times. We are completely committed to each other and he has been fantastic (I'm biased though, also, I would never marry someone I didn't consider to be fantastic. Don't you ever scratch your head and wonder sometimes when husbands gripe about their wives and vice versa? It's like, DUDE. You're the one that chose to marry her! So if she really is as horrible as you say, what does that say about you? Same thing goes for wives whining about their husbands. ANYhow. Pet peeve of mine.) Of course there are times when I see nothing but the two (or twenty-seven) ways he is NOT fantastic but we're both human and therefore not perfect. (I'm still working on coming to terms with that. Yeah, I know. Not very bright, am I?)
Hmm. I was saying something when I started this... oh yeah. Blogging about depression. Having a public blog makes it tricky. Ready? Begin.
I've been feeling down lately. I've noticed myself start to do some of the things that I now can identify as precursors to my last depressive episode. I believe this is mostly due to the fact that I've moved and haven't yet established a network of friends who are close-by. I'm feeling isolated and alone. Having Facebook friends, or contacts in my cell phone is wonderful, but lacking. This is an odd thing for me because normally I'm been perfectly happy to be the loner. Give me a good book or ten and I'm fine! For days! In the past I've relished, even looked forward to time spent alone. Obviously things have changed a bit, at least for this period of time, and I don't know what to do to with myself. Go out and find friends, I suppose. The prospect doesn't put me off as it did before. I welcome it! Can't do it soon enough! In fact, I've already initiated connection in at least three different ways! Odd, don't you think? Just when I think I know myself...
Connection to and contact with real, live people is essential. It's so good to know and experience NOT being "the only one." Even just one "I know how you feel" can make all the difference. So I reached out to someone today (via phone) and heard that somone else knew how I felt, and now I'm feeling much better.
Hopefully next time I'll remember to do that sooner instead of wrestling with myself and trying to grit my teeth and force myself to feel better all alone.
And now for something completely different. (Next post coming just as soon as I can download some very giant RAW photos.)