Friday, August 28, 2009

Down again, down again, jiggity jig.

So far the meal plan has gone well. I made fried rice tonight and it was a success.

Tomorrow night we're hosting the first monthly game night at our house for each of our extended families. I'm excited to hang out with my siblings.

Superman goes back to work tomorrow after a three-week vacation. It's been nice having him around, especially since there hasn't been much of anyone else around. I'm thankful again for his schedule which allows him to be home for three or four days at a time instead of the usual two-day weekend. I'll miss him.

A friend of mine mentioned that she heard that depression had to do with sadness or dark thoughts about the past and anxiety tended to be more about worries or concerns about the future. I can relate to that definition of anxiety. I find it very easy to worry, especially now that I'm a mom. If x, y or z were to take place then what about the kids? Who would take care of them? Or, how can I prevent that from effecting them negatively? I realize that my worrying (or not worrying) doesn't do a single thing to actually change the future (except maybe I'm pretty good at predicting, at least in the very short term.) No one knows the future.

I hope that I don't have to battle this depressed/anxious side of me for the rest of my life. I hope it's just a pregnancy hormone thing and will go away when Elaine is one year old like it did for Val. I'm seriously re-thinking if I should ever get pregnant again. I want to go back to the "old" me, who, when there was a small chance that Val had Trisomy 18, was mostly calm and accepted it for what it was, knowing I could do nothing to change the outcome either way.

I'm different physically and mentally now. More sensitive in each area. My body reacts much more strongly now when I'm hungry or thirsty, I think because of my kidney stones and how good I am at not taking care of myself and meeting my needs on a very basic level. My anxiety threshold is much lower than it used to be - there practically isn't a threshold. I can feel my face become expressionless and my mood deadened on the days I'm down. Then I think to myself, well this is horrible, my kids don't deserve this, how dare I, I have to change this, but I can't and so here comes the anxiety again.

If this doesn't change about me? I guess I'll get used to it and try to find ways to effectively work against it.

I'm trying not to worry about the swine flu, I KNOW how slim the chances are, but it's still there in the back of my mind.

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