Tuesday, June 2, 2009

So here's the deal -

I'm depressed.

I think the psychiatrist used the words "major depression" but I'm not sure because I was too busy being anxious about the fact that I was in a psychiatrist's office about to get a prescription for medication and would that make me a bad Christian because shouldn't I just have more faith and did I really have to give up breastfeeding like she said or what if I just pumped for two weeks and then went off the anti-anxiety meds she suggested I use "as needed" beyond that point and then I could nurse again and what about my thyroid - low thyroid runs in the family and that can cause depression too and if I could just avoid medication long enough to fix that then maybe I could keep nursing because Elaine needs me and so does Val and what is wrong with me that I can't even take care of them without falling apart other people do this all the time and they don't have any problems so why should it be so difficult for me obviously I totally suck and I'm a worthless mother and wife and why anyone would even want to care about me is just silly I know Superman is just pretending to love me anyhow and I bet he secretly wishes he didn't have to deal with all this crap and how could I possibly do this to him and I seriously must be a horrible person to even marry him and then fall apart on him and make his life miserable and why did I even have kids it was so stupid of me to think I could love and support two completely dependent and  beautiful girls and they're so lovely and deserve so much more and so much better than this.

*ahem*

I am depressed. And then I was anxious about it because of how it has/might/would/will effect my children. Much of the crazy intense anxiety has subsided mostly because we've been living at my parents house for the past three weeks. I was afraid to be alone. I couldn't sleep. At first they did pretty much all the child care. Then they did less of Val but still all of Elaine. Then I thought I could handle things again. Then I was very wrong. Elaine is still sleeping in my parents' room every night.

I'm still living the story, still trying to find the best treatment for me. Depression is a complicated thing. How I wish the cure was as straightforward as casting a broken arm. How I wish there were a formula to follow that guaranteed success. In the meantime thought you might enjoy (Hmm. Better word choice needed here? Most likely.) coming along for the ride. Also, writing about it will probably be good for me. I have yet to experience a time in my life where writing is BAD for me, so there.

I'm also choosing to write about my struggle in the hopes that it may encourage other people (especially mothers) out there who also struggle with this. Get help. It's OK. Many of us have been there before if we aren't there now. Lots of blogging moms have written about this and I have to say that Heather Armstrong is in my opinion one of the bravest women ever. I began to read her site soon after she gave birth to Leta and I am even more convinced she's a phenomenal lady, now that I've had (am having) a tiny taste of what she experienced.

So there you go. That's why I haven't been blogging as much or as usual. I'll be back with more but right now I'm going to bed.

12 comments:

  1. I thought I'd comment even though you don't know me (I stumbled across your blog through another one recently). I just wanted to send encouragement - I struggle with depression at times too, and am hoping to become a mother in the next year or so, and I'm utterly terrified about how I will cope. So I think the fact that you are putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going, having the strength to ask for the support you need, and then having the courage to share your experiences, is all truly admirable. I wish you all the best and hope that you cut yourself a bit of slack ... I don't think motherhood is ever easy, no matter how some people make it look!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for being open about this. We're going through some of the same stuff, and this post (and you) have been an encouragement. I applaud your family for being supportive. You are such a blessing to your girls and your man!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry! I totally understand. I've had awful postpartum depression after each of my three. Seems like it gets worse each time. I've never gone on medication, but maybe I should have. It's so hard to admit when you see others seemingly doing just fine and you feel like a failure. Especially since all I ever wanted to be was a mother! I'll try to remember to pray for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've always admired you for so many things. I'm glad that your parents are able to help you take care of the girls (2 under 2! I don't know how you handled that in the first place, it's enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed). I know your girls and your husband are lucky to have you. I think that it's fantastic (and courageous!) that you're seeking out treatment instead of letting it get worse (like so many people seem to do for different reasons). Thanks for sharing, I'm sure just by doing that you've helped another person struggling with this know that they're not alone. I love you and am thinking about you and your family!xo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Beck, I love you! YOU. And I can't wait to hear what God, Who works all things for His purposes, brings out of this for your good and the good of Superman and the girls. We are praying for ya. Thanks for being brave and letting us close to your heart. That is one of the reasons I love you...but just one of several. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. bethany actuallyJune 2, 2009 at 10:41 PM

    Beck, you're absolutely doing the right thing for you and your family! And God bless you for writing about it, hoping it might help someone else. I agree with you, writing can only help.I'll keep you guys in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank You, Beck! I'm proud of YOU. I've never known a more strong and healthy thinking young woman. Thank you for marrying Superman. He is such a blessed man because of you. Your girls are so fortunate to have you as their mom and mentor. Your courage and strength leaves me in awe. Keep on keeping on, Sweet Girl!!God is Good, Always!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but so glad you are getting help for it.If you were diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, or schizophrenia, I can't imagine anyone thinking less of you for taking medication - depression is a disease just like all of those. There's no shame in getting medical help for your medical problem. None.I'll keep you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Beck! I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I don't know anything about it, other than it sounds horrible. I do know you are am amazing wife and mother. I have always admired you. I'm so glad you have your loving family around to help take care of you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh my. I've so been in your shoes. I went through awful postpartum depression, and then regular good old fashioned depression, battled what my christian friends would think of antidepressants, and all of it. I eventually got through to a normal state again...and yet I'm back in the thickest depression ever. I haven't been as bold to write online about it yet but I am proud of you for voicing it. Please know you aren't alone. You aren't a failure. *hug*

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good decision. Wise. Healthy. I'm glad you are mature enough to recognise the need. As for the Christian thing- Ignore the hurtful things people will say. It is important to listen to advice from spiritual leaders, or friends, but more important is your personal relationship with God (and your family!)Neen has heard many hurtful things at church from people since she went on anti-depressants, but she is strong enough in God to carry on loving Him with the same intensity- perhaps even more, since depression tends to cauterise the ability to feel... anything.She also breastfed while on her meds- the brand she used was apparently not dangerous.Hey- it is your life, but from my spyhole, you are a fantastic mother and wife, and if something is there to help you function better, then cool. Neen would have much more to say- but all the best, we're all rooting for you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No, Beck, you're the bravest woman I know and I applaud your boldness, your vulnerability and your courage to reveal yourself. Your heart will encourage many as you walk this out with the One who loves you most!!

    ReplyDelete