Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Self worth

It's almost 11 pm and I've just spent 20 minutes working around the house. And I'm sweating. There's something wrong with that picture. Although it's a cool 78 degrees outside the house I bet it's at least 10 degrees warmer inside, even though all the windows are open and fans are on. I've set up my air ciruclator by one screen door and I need another at the opposite side of the house for more effective cooling.

I wish toddlers were more inclined to enjoy fresh green salad because thinking up nutritious, COOL dinners for her isn't easy. Other than Otter Pops, I mean. There will always be Otter Pops.

Even though I've been up around 6:30 for the past several mornings I am very slow to get going and so lots of the cool morning hours are shot as far as productivity goes. Kem's productive alright, and I just can't keep up to counter her 'productivity'. By the time naptime rolls around we're both ready for a break. After naptime it's just plain HOT so we sit around doing almost nothing, waiting for the sun to set behind the house enough so that there's shade in the backyard to play in the kiddie pool.

My eyes have been opened to how much of how I view myself depends on external performance. It's so true. Today, for example, I'm really down on myself because not much got done. True, I did make Mexican Lasagna for Superman and that was a smashing success, but the kitchen is still in shambles. No laundry got done. I sorted and put a few bags of stuff out for the Salvation Army pickup tomorrow and tried to tidy up the house a few times (fruitless, really, no sense in doing it until Kem's in bed) but other than that - nada. So I'm running the negative messages at myself in my head. Including the one that says I shouldn't be taking time for me on this blog because look at all the time I've wasted today.

My eyes have also been opened to how little I take care of myself. Every last person's needs and even wants come before my own. Pretty much. Even if I do have some time, I put off doing things that are just for me, things that only I would benefit from. Eating is a good example. I'm always too busy to eat or put it off for way to long. Why is that? When I'm pregnant or breastfeeding it's been better (espsecially in the food realm) because it's not ME I'm taking care of - it's the baby. The baby needs nutrients. I view simple little luxeries like taking time to do my hair or make up or paint my nails or take a bath as a waste of time. Why do that if I could be doing x, y or z? The bottom line message I send myself is I'm not worth it. Which is ridiculous, as I'm sure you're about to tell me. I can see it. But that's still how I think. I'm trying to change it.

Well, just back from another time-wasting trip around the web, and I've discovered Shoplocal.com. It would be really cool if it had the weekly ads for all the grocery stores in the area but I'm still impressed with the number of stores on the site. Very useful for folks like me who hate to shop and venture out only when I truly NEED something. Usually. One can NEED Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, right? I thought so.

4 comments:

  1. Self care « Delta SAugust 27, 2008 at 11:16 PM

    [...] in this post I shared how difficult it is for me to plan for and purposefully do things to take care of [...]

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  2. I don't have any great words of wisdom on this count...just wanted to let you know that I commiserate with ya and wonder when it was that I decided showers were frivolous! I'm great at basing my emotions by the size of the laundry stack, too. As I daily chunk the couple of rotting tomatoes on my counter that should have been processed a week ago, I have to chant to myself that there are things of much more eternal value than fresh produce. :P May we both learn that our God, and the husbands He's given us truly delight in us regardless of our to do lists! Love ya!

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  3. I just got home from work, and it's 91 in my room.

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  4. First of all, YES, one can most definitely *need* Ben & Jerry's. Absolutely.Secondly, just as you "gave up" and proclaimed this a mommy blog, you go and write something that all us non-mommies can relate to! Well, the perfectionist/procrastinator non-mommies, anyway :) All to say, I totally get what you're saying about basing how you feel about yourself on outside performances. I feel truly miserable when I am at home all day, "working", but then I decide that I haven't gotten enough done. Or that I focused on the wrong things. I make myself truly despondent about how terrible of a wife and homemaker I am, how lazy, how inefficient, etc etc.Lovely, isn't it? I also need to learn to be nicer to myself.

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