Monday, August 6, 2007

Crap.

Well. Superman seems to have fixed my issue with the dial-up slow internet speed. He explained it to me and I asked questions and tried to understand it (something about DNS servers and IP addresses) but I still don't really get it. I think it's my bad habit of zoning out to computer talk.

Do any of you ever listen to an explanation of something and you can tell that the person explaining it isn't customizing it to fit what you know, they're just rattling off words and phrases that they're comfortable with and not trying to see it from your point of view. And you know perfectly well that that is why the concepts aren't clicking in your brain. (Or maybe I just like to place blame on others instead of my own stupid self.) They don't take into account what you know and many times assume you know more than you do and therefore leave out important bits of information that leads to greater confusion instead of greater clarity. What makes a teacher really excellent is his or her ability to describe the exact same thing using many different methods and a variety of words. They also must have the insight to know which methods and words to use depending on who they're talking to. Oh how I miss thee, Dr. Channan.

At the dinner table tonight I complained to Superman that my writing just hasn't been flowing recently. Sure the words come out and I write stuff but it's been a long time since I really got into it. It's been a very long time since I've had that satisfied feeling I used to get after cranking out an essay. I would not make a good teacher right now. I feel as if the words are piling up in my brain like a log jam. A few make it through and trickle out my fingertips but they aren't my first choice and everything is so scrambled I can't get far enough away from the log jam to pick my first choice. Back before Kate was sleeping so regularly I was able to blame it on a lack of sleep but I can't say that anymore.

I think it's maybe because I see things from too many perspectives all at once and therefore feel as if I need to post disclaimers for every statement I make. Which certainly can block up the word flow if you're trying to acknowledge 18 different perspectives at the same time.  Yeah. I think that's it. I try to tend to the nay-sayers or differing opinions as I'm writing my own opinion and that's just confusing. Of course you're not all expected to agree with me (though it would be nice.) With so many points of view all careening around in my head nothing gets said very clearly. And then I'm dissatisfied.

Aw this is all crap. I'll be back tomorrow.

Maybe I lack life experience and my blog is finally suffering because of it. I'm not going to college and I'm not working every day so there aren't any interesting stories to tell. I haven't said much about Kate (ok, I have, but I am trying not to make it all about her) because I can't stand being called a "mommy blogger." I haven't always been a mommy and I've been writing for WAY longer than I've been a mother and I still despise the term "blog." I use it only so others know what I mean. I prefer "online journaling." Because that's what I do.

Gah. I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing every day but so far I'm not enjoying it very much. I simply have nothing to say. I haven't had the urge to write in a very long time. And when I have wanted to write I sit and wait for the words to flow and they never do. So I force out jerky sentences and half-finished thoughts - even in my letters to Kate! Return to me, my muse!

This is kind of nice, not being able to read comments. You can't sway me. You can't make me cringe and wonder why on earth I wrote that. HAH. I'm not liiiiiisteniiiiiing.

1 comment:

  1. Since Beck isn't reading comments, maybe we should start a discussion about her (behind her back) on her own blog. Any opinions on topics as: What color or general theme should she choose for her kitchen? Where you would recommend that she and Superman sneak away to for a weekend (leaving Baby Kate with either us or the SuperInLaws)? What nationality of cooking should she explore while looking for wholesome dishes to add to her culinary repertoire? Any insightful ideas for Christmas gifts for the SuperFamily? etc.

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